Bordering on cults, cult of Borders
POSTED AT 11:18 PM

natanna

Where on earth has Anna disappeared to, and what's with the strange title?

Okay, to start off, I've been busy with CF. Typing minutes (hard, you know, I hate the idiotic things) and trying to sort out the society day lists into something usable. Finally accomplished both, and also succeeded in making myself into a total bumbling idiot by calling up 4 new freshies, about whom I know nuts about, except maybe their address and handphone number. Hahahahah... Oh well. Of the other two (I've been assigned six), one I've already met and the other didn't answer the phone.

Bordering on cults

I think I've found one. Well, not exactly a cult cult, but something freakishly cultish. And I'm wondering if we Christians don't sometimes sound that way too. See, it started with this random meeting of this girl on the LRT a long time ago. She was from TARC. I thought okay, so maybe I can invite her to Christmas Night or CF or something. Never quite worked out. So last hols she sent a few messages so I thought since I was free on Thurs night, I'd ask her to join me for dinner. BIG mistake.

She said she and her friend were going to some make-up demonstration thing. Asked if I wanted to go. I figured she and a friend - why not? Probably need numbers to reduce transport costs or for security or something. Nuh-uh.

Anyway, so I was like waiting with her and two of her friends, because apparently another friend had said he could fetch them. And after a while they start talking about how happy they are in their "group", doing exercise and dancing and basketball on Sundays. I just mentioned that I'm not into sports and I have church on Sundays anyway. (Getting a little bit wide-eyed here.) Then one of them says that she's a Christian - Lutheran church or something - her family goes to church, her ex-husband's family goes to church, her in-laws takes her 3 kids to church every Sunday - but she only goes occasionally. And they're like you need to join us, relax, get to know people, enjoy yourself. You need time to yourself, not just church, get healthy and blah blah blah. Riiiigggghhhttt...

Anyway, car comes, off we go, and I'm questioning my "brightness" for landing me in this situation. (I wonder if non-Christians being dragged to church and church activities feel the same way too.)

And so, aaahh... we finally end up in Sheraton (or so they say - I didn't see the signs much, was too busy thinking) where we rush into this crowded hall, and everyone's going crazy over this guy called Eddie Funkhouser. Make-up show. Make-up artist. Showing off new brand. Ah.

[img:632082]
Little write up on him - can you read it?

[img:632083]
Accepting applause. Rather good showmanship - funny and all.



Nice backdrop. Rather wished I could take the whole hall, it was nice. But stupid camera ran out of batteries after less than 1 hour of use, all of about 11 shots? Idiot rechargeable. I'm SURE something's wrong with them. Yes, and there were 3 live models that he was demonstrating on.

Did you ever think that there could be a cult following (well, maybe star following) on a make-up artist!? Well, so he's good at his art. And he has all these practical comments to make, some of them funny too. Oh yes, overall good salesman.

Bleh, so they were asking lots of questions later - did I like it? Fantastic, right? Blah blah blah. I said it was quite interesting. Didn't mention some other things though - like yes, fun to see, but I'm not into make-up. Not that badly, not just yet. And like, I think he's an effeminate... sissy? Idiot? Show off? Weirdo? I'd say gay, but I don't think he was put off by the largely female attention. Basked in it, I'd say.

And then they went for supper. What had started as a small group of 5 evolved into this really large group of about 20. Eeks. And I'm this idiot banana standing in a bunch of Chinese-Eds. And all of them trying to persuade me to join them. Go dancing. Go aerobics. Go basketball. Go do facials and makeup practice. Started telling me about their sifu and how he was so-and-so and now he's this-and-that and how he likes to better other people's lives. Telling me about how they call each other tai ke and che and how accepted and happy they feel.

And I'm wondering: how is this different from the church? True, we teach Jesus, but other than that, what are we but a support group? A friendship group?
Is this God's way of shaking me up again? There was a time when I thought we weren't friendly enough. I still don't think we are. Sometimes, we couldn't care less that someone new's in the group. (Yes, I'm attempting to point subtle fingers.) But I was tending over a little extreme and forgetting the main point of Christianity - Christ.

How are we different from them? I don't know... I just don't know. We have friends. We have support. So do they - sometimes theirs better than what we can offer. We have activities. So do the rest of the world. We have art and talents. Ditto. We have love. Ditto. We have faith. They believe in what they do, at any rate. They believe it makes them happier and healthier. What edge do we have? Hope? As far as they see, their future is secured. Afterlife is only an after thought.

Leaving them that day, I was disturbed. I had to cling on to songs that came to mind, all with the words in the strain of "I believe" and "I will cling on to Jesus." Have you ever felt so shaken that you don't really know what you really believe in any more, or why?

Another finger to point. They cared enough to make sure I was in my car alright. Some are just content that they've brought me to the general vicinity.

How are we different from them? Are we any better? Yes, we say we choose to be different from the world, always referring to the lost, the wandering, the dregs. But how are we different from those who've "got it together"? From those who give genuine care and affection even at their own cost? I'd say generally, we've lost. We're not genuine enough, squabbling like pharisees over right and wrong, rather than addressing the need. We're not as selfless - we always think in terms of will this "increase" my church/CF/organisation?

We are different. We've got the truth. We have the power of God. But it's hidden somewhere, and we've forgotten it's address. Maybe not you. It never applies to you, does it?

Oh. About the second part? I went to Borders today at Berjaya Times Square. It was cool. I think it ranks as "cool new hangout place" for now. But maybe I'll stick to Kino at KLCC or MPH at Bangsar - travel costs are cheaper.

reuben morgan in concert
POSTED AT 11:21 AM

natanna

Okies, so yesterday was Reuben Morgan's concert!

It was good. Goooooooddd... As usual, the sound ppl were complaining about the sound and all that, but oh well... it was goooooodd.

Forgot all bout me cam, so, no pix. Oh well. He's not that much to look at anyways. 4 guy band. Stupid hall as pretty hot and mozziefied. Bleh, but I enjoyed myself. 

It was a worship concert, so for all that they titled it to his new album, he didn't sing any of those. Did he? Hmm.. maybe yes, but I think that song was already in an earlier hillsong album. Dunno.

Rather unfair though, that they cordoned off this whole big section in front for SIB people. What happened to democracy and first-come-first-serve and all that? Just because Canaanland organised it means SIB has "special rights"?

Anyways, he did intro a new song. And he said, "it's a wild sort of song. You need to dance. Let me teach you. First, you lift the soles of your feet like this..." and so all of us started bouncing in time. "then you lift your toes at the same time." And he got us jumping, and me laughing at the same time.

Anyways, Jo's cooking spagghi at nd's with special invites for me and trix. Haha... I feel so special.

Pass it on...
POSTED AT 03:00 PM

natanna

Bleh, it's been passed to me twice and I didn't even realise... Haha... haven't been blog hopping much lately. 

Total volume of music files on my computer: 265 MB. Haven't really been copying music into my comp since the last crash. *sniff* I lost a lot of nice music...

The last CD I bought: World Through Your Eyes - Reuben Morgan & Restored - Jeremy Camp. (Yes, Fran, there's Camp). No last... I bought them BOTH.

Song playing right now: Amazing Grace - Jars of Clay (I think that's the title, anyways)

Five songs I listen to a lot, or that mean a lot to me:

1. Twenty-Four - Switchfoot. (see earlier song review / write-up)

2. The Birthday Song - Paul Colman Trio (I travel so far to be where you are / I'm leaving this sad and lonely place / You tell me receive but it's hard to believe / That I could live inside this grace)

3. Myself When I am Real - Bebo Norman (Sorry, it's the whole album, but I listen to all at a go - haven't decided on any favourites. Yet.)

4. Hallelujahs - Chris Rice

5. Faith Enough - Jars of Clay (Enough a cynic to believe...It's just enough to be strong in the broken places / the broken places / It's just enough to be strong / should the world rely on faith tonight...)

I'd put one of Josh's, but my friend's kept my cd for almost 4 months. I can't remember for nuts how they go anymore.

Five people to whom I’m passing the baton:

1. Raymond
2. Joanne - cos she's so bored!! Haha
3. Wai Nyan
4. Yong May
5. Uhh............ Benjamin Khor?

 

P.S. The 5 people mentioned above; to "receive" the baton, copy and paste my post then replace the relevant parts with your own answer.

oops
POSTED AT 11:17 AM

natanna

So I've been asking people to write to my gmail, but I've been forgetting to check. Haha. *whoopsies*

Anyways, updated me's Jer on fictionpress (say yay, after 6 months) and one new poem's up. I think that was all - lately anyways. 

frustration
POSTED AT 12:08 AM

natanna

How near you are

And yet so far

I know exactly how to find you

But I don’t know where you are

 

I can't write. The words won't flow. It just... stops. Dead. They're at the edges of my perception, but I can't grasp them. Why? They flitter past, but I can't see them. I see shadows, I hear whispers, but it's nothing tangible. Nothing I can express, nothing I can really know.

The muse has gone. Frusness.

But it's more than the muse. 

thoughts
POSTED AT 03:43 PM

natanna

Pastor Nancy Ong spoke today about prospering.

If your soul prospers... so will every other aspect of your life.

She divided the SOUL into three parts: your thoughts, your emotions and your will. However, today's message was all about your thoughts.

You know that old quotation? I think therefore I am. Plato or somebody - relating to existence and what not. Proverbs 23:7 paraphrased would say "you are what you think."

You can choose who you want to be, just by what you think about yourself. You can determine if you will be all GOD wants you to be, or if you'll just be your own middling self. The key is whether you WANT to or not.  

And the problem is... the problem is that when you are already confused, you just don't know what to think anymore. And that's when you need to know that some truths don't change. Some things stay the same and should always stay the same. But that can't happen until you've determined what you want to think and what you want to believe.

The best thing to cling on would be this: IT IS FINISHED.

Christmas is in the air!!
POSTED AT 04:38 PM

natanna

Yes, early, I know. But I need to update. Josh wants an update... hahahah... and this what's been on my mind.

Still sorting out the details... sorting out the drama! It's gonna be impactful... I hope. Haha. Have I set out the general ideas?

Concept: cafe-styled, informal setting, refreshments. Live band, drama and dance, altar.

I like symbolism. We're going to do an "altar thing" - based on the general concept of "where's the baby". It's hard to describe at the moment. When I can finalise my ideas... and get the artsy people to draw up and idea/concept thing then you'll know. Or just come and you WILL know. Hahaha 

But the most pressing thing now is this:

Post	Job description
Chairperson	Planning / overseeing
Treasurer	Prepare budget; in charge of fund-raising and ticket sales
Secretary	Applications; deal with SAD; source for souvenirs
Logistics	Set-up of room (with Design); movement of equipment; assist CA with stage management
Technical	Liaise with bands / sound men; liaise with CA for lightings – create “atmosphere”
Design	Stage / room décor & set-up; concept logo; arrangement of “baby altar”
Publicity / Marketing	Flyers; other promo activities; assist Treasurer sales of tickets & fund-raising
F&B	Organise F&B; organise teams of waiters/ushers
Head usher	Work with F&B to organise waiters/ ushers; response slips/feedback;
Creative Arts	Coordinate practices for drama & dance

I can't figure out if I've missed out anything or anyone important. Ideas?

Should there be more segregation of duties? 

Timeline goes like this:

End of June	Finalise committee
4 July	Submission of application
August	Application should be approved. Details should be sorted out. Drama should be already drafted. Concept logo, concepts for “altar” submitted / approved.
10 October	Start of sem 2 – commencement of practices
November	All details finalised. Drama / Dance completed. Concepts approved
21 November	Publicity starts – posters , flyers, etc.
5 December	Fundraising / ticketing booth set up
16 December	Christmas night

I'm excited already! Christmas come faster!

kewlness
POSTED AT 12:02 AM

natanna

CF was kewlness.

Or rather, hotness.

See, although we got like... 160+ names from Society Day, we figured not all of them would come, because usually not all of them do. So we applied for a tutorial room, and assumed that if we really do get a lot of people, we'll just open the divider between rooms (illegally) and use that. Unfortunately, I think the SAD's caught on to that. They padlocked the divider. So, eeks!

I'll try to get the numbers from the "ushers" but I think we had 100+ stuck in this little room... and it was cool. We pushed the chairs aside and made them sit on the floor in the end. Haha.

Mr Wee and Mr Khoo and Ms Kathleen and Mr David turned up, which was real GOOD, cos usually, lecturers don't turn up. We shall keep the info flowing... may they come more! Hehe.

Bleh, gotta book bigger rooms from now on. Which is a yay! Hmm.. have to figure out how many will come back. God, let all of them come back and bring more friends? pwease?  

*waves at Andrew and Jo* Thanks for coming!

*sends huggles to Ah Kit and Andrew and TOD ppl in general* Thanks for lending us your stuff! We really appreciate it!

*to all the freshies* We love you! Come back! 

*huggles committee* It was great! Let's keep it up!

Hahah.. I'm not even sure that any of these people, except Jo, will ever see this, but oh wells. 

torn
POSTED AT 12:08 PM

natanna

Don't do this to me. Stop messing with my mind.

I've made commitments I refuse to break. I've made decisions I will not undo. Stop tempting me.

Thanks, but no thanks. You came a little to late to change my mind. A little earlier, when I could commit... I'm sorry.

I want to, I'd love to, but I won't. You caught me where it mattered, but you missed the right timing.

So long, farewell, auf weidersehen, good bye.

kancils...
POSTED AT 11:49 AM

natanna

Freaky thing I saw when leaving the hostel yesterday for dinner.

There was this overturned kancil on the road. Glass and everything broken, the car was like... on its "head" but surprisingly, the structure of the car was still pretty good. Not smashed up or anything much. But I was just driving by so I didn't really see.

Taking freshies out for dinner. Yays. How fun. Hahaha.

of todays
POSTED AT 11:57 PM

natanna

posties befores I sleep.

Em em em... yeah, went to dinner with freshies. Haha... Yeah, we went to Arab, and then I ordered the large rootbeer float. Unfortunately, still had quite a bit left... and when I finished my food and turned to drink... there was a fly inside!! Yeah, so Arab came to take payment... and I just mentioned lah, then he's like... "why didn't you say earlier? I replace for you," and he did.

Haha. Nice guy

Oh yes, something I read today:

Let it once be fixed that a man's ambition is to fit into God's plan for him, and he has a North Star ever in sight to guide him steadily over any sea, however shoreless it seems. He has a compass that points true in the thickest fog and fiercest storm, and regardless of magnetic rocks.

S.D. Gordon

Kewl.

dreamy
POSTED AT 02:15 PM

natanna

A girl's liable to get all dreamy, y'know.

Went for the Youth Aflame thingy yesterday. Met some people... met Joshua Ling! Hahah... Yeah, fellow from Sibu. Haven't actually talked to him in ages... I barely know him kua. Oh, by the way, I now have 6 Joshua's in my phonebook. Joshua Yeoh, Lim, Ling, Foo, Tay, Ong. 

Yeah, so after that I followed Edrian and Jong Chern to Alexis, this place somewhere in Great Eastern Mall (I checked the name of the building as we left... haha) just to have a drink and listen to some live band. Was pretty cool. They played more jazz / oldie stuff, but I liked it! I especially liked their rendition of Somewhere over the rainbow which was requested for some girl's 23rd birthday, and the one they used at the end of Finding Nemo... the Come Fly With Me song. 

And guess who we met there?

Bryan! 

You know, some guys are just so nice. Yeah, so he came over, talked for a while - he was a little busy - and he goes, "Don't ask for the bill."

I ordered Ice Lemon Tea - rm9 (or so). Edrian had Mango Tea - also about rm 10. Jong Chern had apple juice - somewhere around rm11. And I'm sure they charge tax.

And he doesn't even know them, besides having seen Edrian there a few times before.

He says Juwita's performing there next weekend.

hahahahahahahahahah 

tiredness
POSTED AT 06:16 PM

natanna

It's been a tiring weekend.

Cell on Friday night, Youth Aflame and Alexis on Saturday and then Midvalley with Fran, Ee Laine, Yee Ting, Hui Shin, Aun Nar and Mandy yesterday. *yawn* Oh, and Praeme and James too.

I came back from morning lecture at 11 am and slept til 2pm.

I used to like morning classes. *sigh*

committee meeting's tonight... *tiptoesies off*

 

so afraid
POSTED AT 12:07 AM

natanna

take my heart and wring it out
in your hands and watch it all collapse
take your love and drive it in
into my soul and never leave again... because

i am so afraid that i'll find myself alone
looking for a saviour, looking for a home
i'm so afraid that i'll find myself alone
looking for a saviour, looking for a home
so don't leave me here alone

All your hope and all your pride
all this time to watch it all collide
everyone seems to say "you can work it out"
but under my skin i'm shaking and i can't get out

this is not what you've said; it's all in my head
and i throw my anger at you instead
so don't give up on me, i want to believe
that you'll never leave me, but...

i am so afraid that i'll find myself alone
looking for a saviour, looking for a home
i am so afraid that i'll find myself alone
deep into the ages, deep into the fold
i am so afraid that i'll find myself alone
looking for a saviour, looking for a home
so don't leave me here alone...

So Afraid - Bebo Norman and Ed Cash

yummies
POSTED AT 11:54 PM

natanna

So I achieved one of my objectives already. I finally went to Kim Gary's. Hahahahaha...  I found out it was just at KLCC... and so easily accessible. Aih. Stupid me.

So anyways, let's start from the beginning... it's a very good place to start.

First, waited and waited and WAITED for Mr Tan Seng Seng to get out of his meeting... so that I can apply for the police permit for having an outside speaker for CF. Did that, then had to go to the Sentul Police Station with Jason to do the applic. Sigh. I HATE the police station. Finally reached back at about 12.05pm and found out that today's audit tutorial starts at 12!! hahahaha... so I rushed to class. She didn't say anything though. Which is good. haha.

Then... picked Jo up at about 5, picked up Vincent (Hamster) and Sue Ann... and then took the LRT to KLCC where we met Ray! And we had Kim Gary's! Haahahh.. they put like really big on the wall: KGB. I'm like, "russian mafia?" It stands for Kim Gary's Beyond. Or something like that.

Yeah. So yums. I had some baked cheese rice with chicken wings or something. Nice. It's like pizza cheese... the long, sticky, pullable kind. And I stole some of Jo's waffle and some of Sue Ann's french toast. Very YUMMY!

LRT back again. The freaky part was it was SO full of people and Vincent's HP was stolen!! Right in front of our noses and we didn't even know! Arrghh... 

Came back for hostel cg LATE. Hahahaha.. but it was a short one anyways, and then me and Jo and some freshie went to mamak and dragged Trix along. The other freshies were busy, and the other seniors were going to KLCC to watch Mr & Mrs Smith.. Sigh.. missed watching it again. But I think it's for Ji Aun's birthday. So...

Yeah. 

So, pretty cool day! Wheee hee... hahaha

I'm high. It's called sugar rush. Can you tell?

Happy birthday, Ji Aun!! 

 

$$
POSTED AT 08:25 PM

natanna

I have this freaky feeling I'm losing money. Or losing track of it anyway. I have this little cashflow thingy of sorts in Excel where I note down what I've spent as far as I remember. I try to do it daily (which I don't) so by the time I jot down expenditure like... 2 or 3 days later, I can't figure out where some of the cash has gone. Its' little things like... 40 cents... 50 cents... but when you add it up, its like... rm 6 or 7.

Ergh.

Feeling totally lazy today. Slept after audit lecture from 5 until almost 7. I feel like just bumming today. 

I was just thinking of this just now. Feeling it's really profound. To me, anyways.

Girl, you've been a Martha long enough. While it's good, you gotta come back and be Mary again. It's been too long. 

I've been trying too hard, too long. It's time for a break. 

things under consideration
POSTED AT 11:01 AM

natanna

1) committee for christmas night

2) whether to move into Christian house next sem

3) what to eat for lunch

4) how to find the CF society stamp!!

bleh
POSTED AT 06:59 PM

natanna

Feel so selfish.

I realise I've been living in a cocoon. Makes me wonder sometimes how come my life is so blessed.

How do you step out into other's shoes? How do you feel their pain when you don't know that they hurt?

You never listen, girl. You never notice things. You never ask.

And I ask myself why I sometimes feel so disconnected. Hah.

FRAIL
POSTED AT 11:06 AM in thoughts

natanna

FRAIL

convinced of my deception
i've always been a fool
i fear this love reaction
just like you said i would

a rose could never lie
about the love it brings
and i could never promise
to be any of those things

CHORUS:

if i was not so weak
if i was not so cold
if i was not so scared of being broken
growing old
i would be
i would be
i would be

blessed are the shallow
depth they'll never find
seemed to be some comfort
in rooms i try to hide

exposed beyond the shadows
you take the cup from me
your dirt removes my blindness
your pain becomes my peace

[CHORUS]

frail

Words and music by Dan Haseltine, Matt Odmark, Steve Mason, Charlie Lowell
Copyright 1997 BridgeBuilding Music (BMI)/
Pogostick Music (BMI). All rights reserved.

I don't know. It's just one of those songs that's really tugging now. If I was not so scared of being broken, growing old.

I guess in the end, I'm just afraid of knowledge, of knowing things, because then I'll just have to somehow act on it. I must. 

Blessed are the shallow / depth they'll never find
I'm sorry, God. I'm still running. Running from who I am. Running from the shallowness I see and yet running from the depths of knowing that I am shallow.

I used to think that it meant that "if I was not so weak, I would be frail."  But no, it means that if I was not so weak... etc. then I could "promise to be all of those things" (eg: not fearing this love reaction). Ergh. I'm not too sure whether you understand what I'm understanding now.

God, I'm weak, cold, scared and running. I could never be all that you said I could be - not while I'm still running from you. 

I fear love. I'm afraid to love and be loved. 

 

strange things...
POSTED AT 09:33 PM in thoughts

natanna

I think I've used that title before.

Anyway, strange thoughts come to mind when I'm in the bath. Maybe I should bathe more. Hahahahahah...

CLAIM YOUR NAME!!

Claim your name, girl! Why do you think your name means grace? Because My grace is sufficient for you. Why do you think your name means peace? Because I knew from the start that you would need peace in extra measures.

Yes, ignorance is bliss, mum - Jean Pierre said something about to those that know greater will be required. 

And even in auditing, to be liable for negligence to 3rd parties, the auditor must be aware that the financial statements are to be used for a particular purpose. You can claim ignorance!! (Though that wouldn't be a very strong case.)

argh
POSTED AT 05:41 PM

natanna

There's this really really really really really really really really really (I could go on, but you get the idea) irritating person in TARC.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH!

How do you tell someone nicely, of course, to go away and leave me alone? (repeats to self: go 'way... go 'way... go AWAY!)

*sniffle*

Jo, you should know who I'm talking about. He remembers you with *fondness and pride* (sic:  I really pushed her button... she wanted to slap me.)

The irritating-est part is, when you act like you're preoccupied, like following the conversation at the other side of the mamak table, this person continues talking and talking and tapping you on the shoulder... and pulling your hair. Any normal person would *take the hint* and SHUDDUP. Or talk to someone else. Bah.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH! 

[EDIT:]

The good part is, as I just mentioned to Yuin, is when I felt guilty later for showing some "outburst" of anger (think: table slamming after 5 second delay - definitely planned) and told Solomon so, he said (sic) you are not the angry type.

Whoo hoo! Thank you God, I'm not the "bad-tempered one" anymore!

Though I'm thinking... if I let go and blow up... will it make him go away? Hahahahah.

But then again... too much reaction - bad idea.  

POSTED AT 11:39 PM

natanna

I STUDIED.

2 hours at BK, 4 cups of sugar.

I'm rushed.

And still freaked. Ignoring messages, and accidentally ignored a call. Heh.