Entries for October, 2005
October 1st, 2005
critic POSTED AT 09:09 PM I'm multitasking by attempting to blog while on a voice chat with KK whilst thinking about the new manna play (ergh, why can't I finish it?) and... and never mind. Watched robots yesterday (funny) and finally finished Sepet today. I don't get the ending. If he's... dead, who talked to her on the phone?! His ghost? Hahaha... Oh, and I managed to watch star of persia again last night (gotta preview the VCD before I pass it to Joanna mah...) and I say... *sigh* It was fun while it lasted - doing the script, doing the songs, practices and all that. It was good, but it wasn't good enough. It would be exactly the type of show I'd go to watch, and go home being all critical about. Or maybe it's just because I'm watching myself. Ergh. I could never stand that, did you know? But at any rate it was short lived euphoria. Euphoria which has never quite come back again. But no, it's true. There are many things that can be improved on. Things like the opening where there are some aimless people, who should've been acting like they had something to do, but looked so obviously jobless. And I realised that 90% of the time, I really had nothing to do with my hands, and it's painfully obvious. I dunno. I just don't see what people see. I just can't see the "good"ness... Maybe I'm just too critical. *shuts up inner critic, and goes back to work* 3 talked!
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October 3rd, 2005
October 8th, 2005
teaser POSTED AT 04:11 PM I wanted to update yesterday, then I got too lazy and sleepy. I slept at 11pm anyways. Thought I'd do it this morning. Unfortunately, I didn't wake up. Well, technically I woke up. I opened my eyes at 8am, went back to sleep, woke again at 9.30. Said I'd take another 5 mins, which ended up with me waking again at 11.30. Stayed awake this time, but could only gather the momentum of will to get up at 12.30. And realised that the office would be closed and I wouldn't get to check if the CF venue has been approved. Sigh. I feel so lazy. And my legs hurt. Well, if you're waiting to find out about camp... you'll err... find out when you find out lah. Haha. I haven't even transfered the pix to my comp yet. |
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October 9th, 2005
BOMISAT one POSTED AT 03:49 PM in thoughts Something I learnt yesterday: breakfast cereal costs more than toilet paper. Hahahahhahahah. Okay. I don't know where to begin. Barrel Of Monkeys In Suits And Ties (BOMISAT) Trust Solomon to come up with such a wacky title! Hehe. Okay. Bla bla bla bla... we watched a video for the first night's theme talk because the speaker, Rev. Christopher Rao wasn't there yet. It was about the Columbine shooting - Rachel Scott's father was sharing. I guess the only thing that really struck me that night was something about choosing how to live. He talked about how God had prepared Rachel for that moment way before it happened. And things tied together, giving meaning to the event. Showing it wasn't just another pointless death. We will choose to be willing Theme talk 2 on Wednesday morning still touched a little on Rachel Scott. Highlights:
He said Are you able to be? Living life abundantly speaks of the greatest state of being. Where you know who you are, whose you are and what you are here for. And He has placed eternity in our hearts. Eternity! Destiny! So we say I guess the biggest question of day two (for me) was and what exactly is supposed to be FUN? See, the camp was "geared towards the concept of 'having a blast' but in a serious way" to quote Solomon. I guess most people found the afternoon outdoor games really fun. I did NOT. I'm just not a games person, really. During the night reflections I wrote this:
But then again, it kinda struck me. Is this running around and playing games the only definition of fun around? Am I stuck feeling that I'm such a loser just because I don't fit with the general youthy idea of fun? What is my definition of "full of life"? Most people, and I guess me as well, think of someone who is cheerful, bubbly, extremely outgoing and sporty. Does that mean then that someone who is quieter and finds enjoyment in reading or doing puzzles NOT full of life? Think about it, eh? Time to rethink your worldviews again. To be continued later lah. It's getting very long dy, this post. But follow link below to view pix! Actually got more one. But I lazy. Maybe later. Gonna try to burn them out anyways. |
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October 11th, 2005
BOMISAT two POSTED AT 10:28 AM in thoughts Friends. Who are they to you? In Mark 2:1-5, the four friends had faith enough to see their paralysed friend healed. They had faith enough to persist and lower him through the roof. Jesus saw their faith, not his. In John 1:35-42, John the baptist's disciples walk up to Jesus and asked him this strange question, "where do you stay?" Imagine this. You're standing there, minding your own business when two guys walk up to you. You ask, "Yes, what do you want?" and they go "Where do you stay?" *blink, blink, huh?* Apparently it's that circular logic kind of thing. I'll get to know you better by seeing where you live, and how you live. True, but it takes leaps of logic. I live in the valley of desperation Yeah, living somewhere by that fine line that divides relationship and religion, moving forward and staying put. On earth, struggling between heaven and hell. Haha... does that make sense? It's fuzzy logic.
So, what stops you? I'm moving, attempting to change my address. It's difficult though. Home always seems like home, no matter how you don't like it. There's always the familiarity of the cracks and stains that you don't want to leave, even if you're moving into a beautiful palace. So I'll move to the hilltops of experience
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October 12th, 2005
BOMISAT three POSTED AT 11:51 AM in thoughts Call me by name Who stops you? Me. Who calls you? YOU. How do you describe indescribable feelings? It's like an intricate, delicate dance that I can't tell you about. It's a dance of words, all beginning and ending with YOU and if you don't know who I'm meaning, it's hard to explain. But yeah, it's YOU and there's nothing else that I can add. Maybe it was encouraging that Rachel Scott's faith wasn't always constant either, that she could be yoyo-ing about from one week to the next. It makes you feel less... weird. Maybe it's encouraging that A was so open to say that she was barely hanging on at times. It makes you feel less... alone. Maybe it's encouraging that B has stepped right up into her calling. It makes you feel less... right. And maybe it's encouraging that you never did all that you said you wanted to do. It makes you feel less... Y'know, I've been stuck at this sentence for very long, wondering if I should continue it or not. *drums fingers on the table* Oh, wells. You admire people for their openness, do you not? Maybe one of my biggest problems when it comes to God would be that little expectation - disappointment thing. Sometimes you expect and never get it. You expect much but you get little. It doesn't make sense, because all they ever say is, God will do immeasurably more than you can possibly hope or dream for. And then you wonder if God doesn't like you or something. You go around figuring that maybe you're doing something wrong. Or maybe He's testing you. Yeah, that sounds so spiritual. Maybe you're "going through the wilderness" or maybe "it's just not the right time." Easy to blame God for everything that doesn't go right. It never really sinks into you that that niggling little thought at the back of your head may actually be right. That you're looking for the wrong things in the wrong places. Y'know, (and this is where I'll continue that forgotten sentence) maybe it's time to stop depending on people. It's been a pretty sore spot that when you gather the courage to walk right up to the front during the altar call, that the pastors invariably never pray for you, or wait until the very end. And you feel disappointed, because everyone else seems to be getting a WORD from God, or were experiencing... stuff. So you stop going up for altar calls. I'll pray here on my own and it's just the same, doesn't matter where you stand, you tell yourself, but you know that all the same, it's different. Do you figure that every time you go up for altar calls, the pastors will reconfirm God's love for you because you're so stuck in that rut of "how-come-God-doesn't-remember-me" that He can't actually do anyting else? It struck me that last day in camp. I don't think it's a very new thought, but something that's been sorta surfacing every now and then. It's time for you to GROW UP and stop waiting for others. Can't you pray on your own? Why do you need the pastor to do that for you? Pretty stupid eh, coming from a PK. Haha. But I'm still spiralling in a wordless you, figuring out ways to say what that word really means. It's... YOU. Reading: the adventurous four again (enid blyton) Listening to: We are one tonight - switchfoot |
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October 13th, 2005
random shorts POSTED AT 09:40 AM Bernard has the rojak series. I dunno what to call this except mere randomness. I could call it bathroom thoughts, but... hmm... Yesterday's bathroom thought never made it online yesterday because my internet decided to go offline, and then I went out to Pre-U cg. But anyway, I was just thinking that maybe some people seem to have so much fun becuaese they never spell check and always ytype with exclamation points!!! I Mkean a lot of exclamaciton points!! and yes, they never bother with punctuation or spelling correclty and they sieem to be soahppy!!! Maybeit's just a way they write but it rally bugs me soetimes! eventhough ti seems tso fun! But it's good! look positice! irraites ure readers too!~ especially when they dun get wat ur saying cos its all in short forms and the wletters are jumbles up and tis also not grammatically correct!! and besitds the exclamation points come the EXTENSIVE CAPITAL LETTERS!!! Do you know how difficult it is mfor me not to bo back n correct AND DELIETE ALL THE WRONG SPELING?!?! IISsshhhh... but at least now u know how i realy tipe when i necer read back cos imp typing wihtout lookinat tnhe keyboard and just lookinga tht e screen and i'm TYPING RAELALY FAST!!!! ERGH. I'm so bugged out now. Are you? Listening to: the rain outside my room |
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October 13th, 2005
goody two shoes POSTED AT 01:29 PM from Julian's...
LOL |
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You are 80% Good and 20% BadOctober 14th, 2005
knicks and knacks POSTED AT 12:07 AM Pei Ling says she wants to see her name here. So there it is. "This
Pei Ling ahh... always bully me one. Ish. Baaaadddd Pei Ling. Happy or
not? Your name here so many times dy. Pei Ling going to take me see
Pygmalion, ok? Cos I promote your name so many times... K la, if you
take me, then you're a good girl, ok? Hahahahahahahahaha" Seriously la, just tell me when your class is going so I can tag along. (Who else interested?) I woke up early this morning. Spent some time soaking in God and freezing morning air. =) Read some books using scattergun method (reading a few chapters of each book) and then... I felt guilty. On MSN:
me: whassup?
Ok lor, mah take out text books, managed a few pages of Audit... then... aiyo, hungry lah. Went to JR, wasted time abit... passed some papers to Helen... Only
one lunch partner... Edwin! Err, ate, went back to JR, did Sudoku, went
to SAD... CF is at M203 this Tues! Found out I still have to do
monologue on Tues... *cries* Ergh. How ah? Got CF again wor. *evil
grins* Haha.. but Trix says I must be good. Must go for drama.
Hahahahaha. She must be conspiring with Julian. Ish. Attempted to go to Sri Rampai pasar malam, but it decided to pour really heavily while we were on the way. Ended up being confused, turning a few u-turns, to finally reach new destination of Om's Fruit Juice. I was decidedly un-adventurous. No spicy hot tomyam today. Decided on the the mild tomyam putih. Sour only. Finally sorta finished the Christmas play. It's sucky. (Review? E-mail me) Hahahahaha. Oh, yeah. Lydia asked if I'd help out in Vibe, the Metro youth mag thingy. Just when I thought it would be nice to continue incognito. Ok, I will study tomorrow. Ok, I will sleep now. Wondering if there will be BOMISAT four. Hm. Maybe. Feeling: blank |
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Someone has been promoting, konon. Haha. (Come to think of it... incognito, but join drama. 
Don't quite make sense, right? I never seem to make sense)October 14th, 2005
at-ONE-ment POSTED AT 05:53 PM in thoughts Randomly, this will be my 581st entry. (0.o)
from Renewal Theology 1,J. Rodman Williams Just something to chew on. *munch munch* |
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October 16th, 2005
random shorts POSTED AT 10:59 PM I checked, and I realised I haven't fireplaced at all. I shall do it now. Check your e-mails soon, people! =) It's been a pretty good week. --- Fiction is a web of lies. The best lie is the one closest to the truth. *munch munch* --- There's this weird thingy my computer does. It somehow saves really old pages that has disappeared from the net. I clicked to see Jo's new page at ashkenne's and it took me to the extremely outdated one, confuzzledment, which, according to her doesn't exist in webspace anymore. The new page only loaded after I refreshed it two or three times. --- Hamster is weird. Let me repeat that, HAMSTER IS REALLY WEIRD. By the way, Hamster is Vincent,
from Metro. And he is VERY weird. Conversations with him normally start
with "huh???" and end with "huh??" Why is he called Hamster? Apparently
Jo thinks he looks like a Hamster. I use the nick to differentiate him
from the Vincent in SIB. --- I would like, one day, to duet with Daniel Ng. Actually, don't bother with the link. It's not updated. It's there just to define which Daniel I'm talking about. The world has too many Daniel's. Nice voice. --- Dan Brown's The Da Vinci Code is freaky. It's not on my recommended books to read. Don't read it. Or, I mean, read it, but don't. Haha. --- Footstool Players is superb. How do they switch so easily from character to character, from narrator to character in the same play?! Iish... Jealousnya. Haha. Which reminds me. Gotta work on that monologue. Sigh. --- Pastor Ong said "foundated". *sniggers* --- Francis Cheah Teck Wei... Happy 21st Birthday! I can't believe myself. I nearly forgot! |
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October 19th, 2005
want dowan? POSTED AT 12:18 AM in thoughts NO! (shaddup) WHY? (shaddup) HELP... (shaddup) --- Serving another's vision. Hard. I've been having nightmares the past two nights about getting unknown speakers to CF. The nightmare is over. Haha. Stupid story la wei... Not unknown lah, but... hahaha. See, it's like this. Momo was supposed to get a speaker for today's CF. I forgot to remind her. Actually, I sorta just assumed she knew... so I happily went to apply room and stuff and thought... haiya, if have to apply for speaker... have to rush really bad. (It was already exactly 2 weeks) So mah... apply general CF meeting lah. (So that I don't need to go and get police permit.) Soooooo... well, she didn't actually know that she was in charge. (Whether really don't know, or forgot... I dunno lah!) So last minute, kenot get. Dunno why, Wai Yi asks if I
can find a speaker. Ish... why me? Okla... So I get in contact with my
CG leader, Aunty Esther John. At first ask her to speak lah... She's
like, "are you sure? I can ask one of the pastors" (she works in
church...) So ok lor. In the end Pr Caleb came. But for some reason, I
think that whole thingy has sort of soaked into my psychology or what.
As I said, the past two nights I kept dreaming of contacting unknown
people and ushering them in to speak at CF. All very weird one summore.
Haha. --- Yesterday I finally picked up my new book, "The Journey of Desire - Searching for the Life We've Only Dreamed Of" (Thanks, Wai Nyan!). Why only now? I dunno. I was trying to wait for a "good" time to start, until I decided, ah, who cares... just read. Chapter One: Our Heart's Deepest Secret ends with this line:
It reminded me of a MSN conversation with jC about writing some song to do with wanting and not getting. (mmph. I wonder what happened to that.) About chasing what you want, but not getting what you need. And life is never what you wanted because you want something more. You're still dreaming of Eden. Chapter Three's title is tantalizing. Dare we desire? Sometimes you want so much, and you never get, so you give up wanting. Dare we not desire? he asks at the end. I don't know. Maybe I shouldn't say anything yet. I'm still processing. Desiring. Sometimes you ask little kids, "You want or dowan?" And they can't really make up their minds. Maybe we're all a little like that. Reading: the journey of desire - john eldredge Feeling: *munch munch* |
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October 19th, 2005
stupit POSTED AT 10:57 AM I think I'm getting dumber. I just wrote 8th November 2005 as 08/09/05. And wondered why it looked weird. Eeeh, spasticnya! |
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October 20th, 2005
another random. POSTED AT 07:01 PM I'm trying to study. Haha. Interspercing (is that how you spell it?) every few pages with a sudoku. Haha. I can almost feel myself getting cleverer. (As if.) *sigh* I'm hungwee. I shall try thinking a little later. To produce a better post. But... that's it for now. Waiting for Trixie to turn up so we can try de-bugging her laptop and go for dinner. |
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October 24th, 2005
Ish POSTED AT 12:05 AM *stares at screen* I had things to write. I... had things to say. Until I stopped to read blogs. I shall henceforth decide to blog all the nice and happy things before I start reading other people's blogs and get waves of depression. Ever wondered why it's so hard to tell yourself to shut up? Buuutttt.. I shall move on. Sleep sounds good. Maybe it's just too late. |
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October 24th, 2005
POSTED AT 10:11 AM Wei, not fair. I type until so happy dy when the power went off and I lost my post. *cries* And I don't remember what I wrote. *cries summore* I mean, I remember roughly lah, but it will never be the same as the original post BECAUSE! *cries summore summore* AS I WAS SAYING... (and you stupid power better not go off... I didn't take long okay? Only 5 minutes?) uh... *rubs chin* Aiyah. I'll just give you point form of yesterday's message lah, ok. 1] Recognise who God is ------> I am He... in control 2] Recognise your relationship with God -----> servant, chosen, friend. 3] Recognise the promises of God ------> His Power at our disposal. Deliverer. Redeemer. So, what? Yeah. I was freaking out over Christmas Night last week. Not like I wasn't earlier, but especially more so. So while Pastor Nancy was preaching, I was taking down notes, and she said something... (can't remember exactly what) but I wrote down in relation to Christmas Night, "have You allowed this in Your love?" Because it's this simple. Yes, He's allowed this ----> Things will work out fine. Don't stress lah. No, it's not ----> uhoh. So what now? And I believe that it's a YES. Because if it wasn't, it wouldn't have progressed this far. Okay, so I'm still freaking out because I'm still muddling along. I have decided that I am just so not a coordinator. Next time, I'll get someone else to organise and I'll be like... Creative Director or something so I can continue muddling along and know that my muddling's not going to mess up the whole event. At any rate I figure I'm better at giving you the idea than actually working out how it works. Aih. Less than two months! |
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October 25th, 2005
confuzzled POSTED AT 12:21 PM I have a sudden change of plans. Due to chronic inability to make up my mind, (about the dance conference) I'm GOING HOME. I think. I don't know. I can't make up my mind. I hate this feeling. I don't want to go for the conference any more because settling the transport is such a hassle. But that's not the main reason. The main reason is, that I have this thing that... I don't know. The closing date was yesterday. And I hate doing things like signing up late. It's like if you couldn't be bothered (or able) to sign up early, you might as well not go. It's just this... stupid... thing. Suddenly feel like not going anymore. So if I'm gonna have to drag myself to the thingy and pay rm140 (or rm230) to force myself... there's not guarantee that I'll be all up and excited by then... Oh, and by the way, I'm also quite freaked out because... I... have no... experience. AT ALL. If I were a very naturally out-going person, that wouldn't really matter. But no, I'm shy, and I don't have the energy to be upbeat. Not at this point of time. Especially not if I suddenly don't feel excited about it at all. It would just be... a drag. A pain. Ish. How am I going to tell Rebecca all this? After pestering her. Haha. And I dunno if I'm staying back here or going home. If
I stay... I have committee meeting on thurs. I have drama prac on Tues
(maybe?) I have... friend's deepavali dinner on monday. I have... Guy
Sebastian concert on Sun. Sat night got youth meeting too. If I go home... I have... mummy. Oh. Happy Birthday, Mummy. |
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October 25th, 2005
ergh POSTED AT 10:51 PM Note to self: Avoid char koay teow. Tummy convolutions after eating it. And I don't even enjoy it that much anyways. |
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October 26th, 2005
ouch POSTED AT 11:06 AM The empty feeling of disappointing someone. Of reneging on responsibilities. I tell myself I don't care. It's probably like the only committee meeting I've ever missed. (but its very important...) Yes, so he can skip practically almost every meeting but I can't. I'm sorry, it's all conjecture. I don't know what you feel. But what I feel is that you should have had this earlier anyway. Real earlier, as originally planned, when we actually had almost a month to discuss this and ask people, rather than two weeks, where most of them are not around anyway.
Somehow I feel losing Rowen (from the committee) lost some of the bond. For all his perceived (real or unreal, I dunno) inefficiencies and procrastinating, he drew people together, if only to laugh at his lame jokes. To be really truthful about it? I'm sorry, I just trusted and like him better than her. Which is stupid. But I'm human. I'm sorry. I know I'm being self-righteous. But for all it's worth, I can't wait for my term to end. It's a bad ending for what started off well, but there's the truth of it. I don't care. I'm going home tomorrow, and that's that. |
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October 30th, 2005
backlogged POSTED AT 03:25 PM in thoughts Somehow the words that form themselves in your brain don't really translate out nicely when you sit at the computer to type. So, I think I'll just do snippets. Dated snippets. --- Wednesday, 26 Oct 2005 And he said, "Peace, be still." --- Thursday, 27 Oct 2005 Watched The Interpreter and King Arthur in my auntie's house. Saw Vincent Cheah outside some coffeeshops in PJ after lunch. Left PJ at around 6 plus, tagging along with Dad in Pastor Lim Soon Hock's car. Why am I going home? Why am I going home? Why am I going home? To
settle this whole confounded confusion. You know, sometimes you want
freedom so much to do whatever you want, but when you have all the
freedom in the world, what you really want is someone to depend on.
Okay, so maybe not for a guy, but yeah. I want someone to depend on.
And sometimes you know, it isn't really enough to say "Yeah, well, I'll
depend on God and wait for Him to tell me what to do," because
sometimes you just don't know. Your heart is saying one thing, your
mind is saying one thing, your will is saying one thing, and you can't
figure out which one is God. And then you decide that you're up to this with making decisions. So this is when you shut up and let mummy persuade you. So I don't really know why I'm back. It's not the hols. I am on hols. And I don't want to regret, so I'm not going to think about Youth Alive, and Guy Sebastian and Alexis and the dance conference and supper with Rowen and Jo and jamming and combined service and all the other nice things I could be doing. I'm going to think about mummy and when she's going to cook my shanghaichai soup. Nyehehehehehe. --- Do you know that when you say someone is a bit "touched" it means they're crazy? And yet it's the same word we use when we say "the Lord touched her." That was just a random observation. I don't think it means anything. I'll give you my words So maybe I was thinking, maybe I'm back to listen to Tony Foster. Maybe. He talked of the anointing of the Holy Spirit. Anointing - to oil with perfume. It is strong and yet not offensive. And then I thought of oil - the olives have to be crushed first (he mentioned this towards the end as well). Then I was thinking about this really old prophecy. I think I was in... Form 3? This lady preacher did a few night meetings in church and yeah, she prayed for just about everyone who came out. Cool thing was, when she prayed / prophesied, it was in rhyme! She mentioned a few things that didn't really make sense. One was music. At form 3, I liked singing, but I hated playing music. And she was talking about music and poetry. I'd only ever written one or two crappy poems. But over the years, I think it's coming true. It's blossoming now. Another thing she mentioned was perfume. Being crushed until the fragrance came out. And maybe that's it. Maybe all this mess is coming out because there is this crushing. And I'm thinking, "This is so not over yet." Maybe I'm back here to rediscover. To remember. There are some things you need to remember. --- Oh, cool thing: Tony Foster's wife (forgot her name) thinks I'm fourteen. Younger than my brother! She was so amazed, she asked her husband to guess and he thought I was seventeen. Lol. I look so young. |
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October 30th, 2005
they POSTED AT 05:59 PM And they spiralled - |
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