I woke up at 6am today to join Ivan for a morning walk.

It was good to catch up.

Right now, I want to go back to sleep.

---

Happy birthday to Lay Hoon and Dih Haw!

May your 22nd year(s) be bright, and beautiful, and full of God's love. =)

I'm starting to feel old.

---

*yawns* 

Faith as small as a mustard seed can be grown into an oak tree.

But first, you must decide to believe. 

That Terry Goodkind book said something pretty profound about doubt. I can't remember the exact thing, but it goes something like this: Once the smallest seed of doubt is planted in your mind, (it) will not work. (It) will latch on to that doubt and prevent it from coming to pass.

With God, you must first decide to believe that God is able and that God is willing to act on your behalf. And then you thank God for what He is going to do, in the faith that He has done it, even though you cannot see it yet. And always bear in mind that He might not do it the way you want. 

So after holding out for TWO whole weeks, I finally gave up and went grocery shopping. There is now food in Anna's room.

See the thinking was this: If I don't buy maggi mee, I don't eat maggi mee. Unfortunately, it also means that if I get too lazy, I don't eat until much, much later. Not good.

Since it's the beginning of the month and I technically have money to spend (it hasn't been transferred in to my bank account yet though), I decided to... spend.

Breakfast shall be Carrefour's ChocoRice cereal (eh, cheaper than kokokrunch... hope it tastes nice). I invested in a small tub of Peanut Butter Chocolate spread to eat with cream crackers. Or to lick at the chocolate when I'm hungry. Hmm. Did you know that a 500g pack of Hup Seng Ping Pong Cream Crackers costs only 2.70 but if you buy it in a tin, it's 9 something for 1 kg?? Craziness! I didn't know metal costs that much... Sweets to keep me awake next week when lectures start - purposely bought Sherbert for it's sour-shock value. Prunes, because I felt like it. And I lack fruits. Lazy to go pasar malam. Shapes biscuits because I miss 'em. Maggi for the lazy days (will try not to be though!) and ah, Pringles. For indulgence's sake.

Grocery shopping is expensive.

But petrol is getting expensiver. So occasionally eating in my room might be more cost efficient. Wait. Maybe not. Health costs not factored in yet. Heh.

Yay, breakfast.

I haven't been having breakfast for the longest time.

Do you know you can miss eating? Haha. 

by Steve Turner

I woke in a place that was dark
The air was spicy and still
I was bandaged from head to foot
The morning that death was killed

I rose from a mattress of stone
I folded my clothes on the sill
I heard the door rolling open
The morning that death was killed

I walked alone in the garden
The birds in the branches trilled
It felt like a new beginning
The morning that death was killed

Mary, she came there to find me
Peter with wonder was filled
And John came running and jumping
The morning that death was killed

My friends were lost in amazement
My father, I knew, was thrilled
Things were never the same again
The morning that death was killed

---

Easter is coming.

I said to Jong Chern, "I feel like blogging, but I don't know what to write."

He replied, "I give you a quote and you write about it." And then he came up with about 7 or more quotes and told me to choose.

Let's start with this: 

"The brain is a wonderful organ. It starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office."

Which is profoundly true. It works enough for me to get out of bed and into class, but not enough for me to (always) fully register what's happening in class. Or in another sense, it overworks thinking of all the things I can blog about while I'm out (like in class, or in the toilet, or eating) and the minute I step back into the room, switch on the computer and log in to tabulas, I totally forget what it was I was so seriously pondering about writing.

And then there's this: 

"The reason why worry kills more people than work is that more people worry than work."

Case in mind: Wal-Mart. I think I spend more time worrying about how to do it than actually doing it. When I get down to doing it, it doesn't take all that long. But then again, that could be because I'm STILL only working on my section and another girl's and the rest of the stuff is still with the other groupmates, and it's driving me... not crazy lah, but kinda like... impatient. Hello, you had the WHOLE month (or more) of hols, and you can't finish it yet? On Thursday, I saw some of their work, and part of it was still like... point form. Or just the articles. At least cut and paste into an article ler. Hai.

Our scientific power has outrun our spiritual power. We have guided missiles and misguided men. 

Ah, technology. What benefits man if he gains the world but loses his soul? We have everything at our fingertips; more knowledge than we can synthesize is available at the click of a mouse. Machines make work efforts easier. And yet we have people running around, blowing things up.

Religion has lost its rationality.

And with all this science, intolerance is so much easier to hide; whilst hatred is so much easier to show. We pretend to be nice, and loving, and rational, and understanding and accepting. We cover up with good PR and nice advertisements. But when the real conflict comes, it's full-force armament.

We deny God, then ask Him, "If you're so good, why do you allow wars?" Totally forgetting, of course, that it was us who pushed the missile button. 

It's okay
'Cause you're beautiful
And I want to be
Beautiful like you

It's okay
'Cause you're glorious
And I'll glory in who
You are to me

And even if the world falls down
Even if all I can do is frown
Even if there is nothing left
You will be
You will be
My happiness

---

Visited City Harvest Church KL yesterday. Chunted. =)

Conviction. Even if. Even when.

Went to meet up with Angeline Sie. =) Haha.

Oh, and apparently we confused the whole... lot of them. See, I was trying to arrange transport. So I asked Loren if he's going on the Saturday service. He said, okay lah, since I'm going, he'll go on Saturday. So I told Angeline that. 

I kinda just told her I'll arrange with my friend, who's from the church. Somehow, wires got crossed, she told the fella that I and a friend were going to visit, whilst Loren said that he and his friend were coming.

SO. They were looking for Anna and a friend as well as Loren and a friend, making 4 people. Haha. Multiplication!!

It's raining again. It poured yesterday, and the roads were flooded. Quite.

Classes started today, and it's the usual yada yada. Sigh. Classesssss.... :/ Seven weeks to my final exam and the end of college life. Doesn't that sound so... sad?

11 days to case study deadline. Progress? Yet unknown. Don't know what those two... GUYS are doing. Ish. Shouldn't have let them into the group! *evil face*

I borrowed money for lunch today. See what happened was this... I had about rm 3 in my wallet last night. Thought, enough for lunch ler. Lunch then go withdraw. But then... Dih Haw changed for me RM2.50 to 50 cent coins for my washing! So I figured... after class... go withdraw before lunch. But then... my friends decided to go to TBR... So I thought, withdraw from the Bumiputera Bank ATM there la. Only thing was... the transfer system wasn't "ready".

So yeah. I had to borrow money for lunch. 

Wonder what's for dinner. =) 

Busy, busy, I've been busy.

Let's see. Yesterday, class ended at 3. I spent some time bumming, until the Internet got disrupted by the rain at 5. Then this and that, drama practice, supper... *phew*

Class was supposed to end at 12 today. But after lunch, we decided to finish up with the Wal-Mart case study and discussion and general talk session took until almost five. It's progressing, yes.

Then... I got invited to dinner at Jong Chern's. Thankies. So nice!

So now working on Wal-Mart. Passing this up will be a relief.

Classes from 8am to 5pm today.

Tiredness. I only had bread for lunch, because I only had half-hour breaks in between and I hate canteen food, and I didn't have time to go out. Blek.

Had to do a quick run to Carrefour to buy things like soap and toothpaste etc, which I didn't realise I was running out of. Also FINALLY bought my black printer ink. Yay. Now I don't need to print in multicolour anymore!

TBR tomyam with Jasmine, Rowen and Manfred. 

Oh yeah, I only had half-hour breaks because I was replacing tomorrow's ACR tutorial today because I won't be in college tomorrow. Me's will be going to UM for some Citibank-UM Case Study Challenge thing. And we have to leave at 7am. *I don't "exist" at that time of the morning* Hehe

Just came back from music practice, and am quite ready to go drop dead. Tiirreeedd. Am singing on Sunday! Have to be in church at 8.30am! *Faints*

Wants to kill irritating group members. Two stupid guys. Who aren't doing anything. And who says they will "TRY" to do something after we've been bugging them since last week. ONE WHOLE WEEK. And FIVE WEEKS BEFORE THAT to actually DO something. To be nice, or to be mean? To just let them be, or to tell the lecturer and see if he'll like... do something?

Ohkay.

Got visitors in my room. En Chin and Abigail.

Ohkay, so the CS challenge thing goes like this:

• we get case scenario today
• we pass up report / solution thing next Friday
• 4 finalist groups will be selected
• 4 finalist groups will have to do a presentation on the following Friday to choose the 3 winners.

So. Yeah. See if we even get in the finals. Haha.

Updates on the two irritating case study group members? Am seriously considering talking to the lecturer and getting them kicked off the group. Rahr. The thing is, they have the NERVE to claim that "we did work, okay" and accused my friend who sent the messages on our behalf (indirectly) of looking down on them and thinking she is "clever". (I think she IS clever... cleverer than them anyway. LOL) They said they will SETTLE it with ME and send me the stuff by TONIGHT. HAH. See if I SETTLE them. *upsetness*

The interesting thing is, I haven't the energy to get really mad lately. Unlike my usual loss of temper thing. I think I've learnt to cover up by laughing. Which doesn't quite convey the message sometimes. Even though, some of my classmates still are scared of my "upset face". I wonder what they'd do if they'd ever seen the bad-tempered yelling part.

*Prepares to get angry, VERY angry*

It's back, it's back, it's back!!

*misses own blog*

Don't hack tabulas. Hack blogspot for all I care, but don't disturb my tabulas.... I get blog withdrawal syndrome.

Today, so far, has been good.

Had lunch with Edrian's family. Thankies.

Ignored a message from irritant that said "Finished work liao o not? Get how many paid?" because I have no idea what he's trying to ask, and if he's asking about the case study, do you seriously believe I'm going to answer such a stupid question?

Now, it's... back to work. Sigh.

But it's the Sabbath...

Sore throat.

Yellow phlegm.

A little sleep works wonders. Took a brief nap before starting on my assignment and my throat feels better, my brain feels fresher, and I feel guilty for planning to skip CF.

I'm sowee.

This assignment is taking too long, using to much brains and is totally stressing me out. It will be over soon. 

Until then... 

My groupmates claim I'm smarter when I'm sick.

Examples:

I pointed out to the tutor an error in one of the calculations on the blackboard. (It shows I was listening. Besides, it was one of those areas that made no sense in relation to everything else he was explaining multiple times over)

I was able to present the ACR tutorial (even with a bad throat) and the tutor said "wah, how come we finish so fast? Efficient presentation..." (I actually borrowed the answer from a friend in the earlier class to check that mine was correct before writing the transparencies.)

I spelled some random word wrongly, and they said I was writing in French. (I don't quite know how that makes sense) 

I still haven't finished Wal-Mart and I still haven't done the UM competition case yet. Ergh. *cries*

And I missed CF yesterday.

And I skipped a lecture today. But wasted it sleeping. Argh. Never mind, sleep is good.

dancingly happy.

The skies are blue
Because of you
We'll laugh and play
We'll dance and sway
Beneath the cloudless skies

The water's cool
'Cause you're my fool
We'll splash and scream
We'll lie and dream
Beneath the cloudless skies

And rain or shine
Cloudy or fine
We'll be happy
Just because

---

I've been something of a weirdo the past two days. See, I have the flu. See, I need to blow my nose. And see, I have no tissues left. So on Thursday, I grabbed the box of tissues from my car and stuffed it into my bag.

By Friday, I had no tissues left again. So after lunch, I bought another box. Unfortunately, it couldn't fit into my bag. Hm. Carrying a large green box of tissues around college is, to put it frankly, rather strange. Haha. Especially when your friends in the front row turn and look at you every time you blow your nose. Sigh.

*wanders off with a smile on her face* 

An evening trip to have ices turned into 2 hours plus at Borders. Read Vita Brevis by Jostein Gaarder.

Started on Remains of the Day by Kazuo Ishiguro but didn't have time to finish. Was getting hungry. Also hard to read in that tiny segment of opening that won't bend the nice new book.

I still haven't finished that Complete works of Saki that I borrowed almost 4 weeks ago. Ish.  

I just realised that when you go to the toilet for the express reason of clearing your throat and blowing your nose, people tend to look at you "one kind".

Maybe they're just afraid of bird flu.

Haha.

---

Met a guy named Michael today who apparently was from SIB Emmanuel in Sibu when Ps Robert was pastoring there, and when Ps Cheng Kin came. I was like "oooohhhhh..."

Yea. So anyway.

---

Another case of "I forgot what I wanted to say this morning" but I felt like updating my blog anyway.

Dih Haw finally persuaded me to get a bottle of cough mixture yesterday. I'm still coughing. It's sea coconut brand (I think the sea coconut picture looks like a brain) and it's black. That means its slightly sweetish, and slightly mintish. I like. They say you can get addicted to cough mixture. I believe.

My monitor has somehow decided to *permanently* lose its colour. I don't know how to describe the colours I'm seeing now. I'll have to readjust the wire and blue tack soon, before I irritate myself too much. Right now, I can't be bothered.

Pei Ling sent me an article, and while I agree with most of it, I do not agree with some of it. I seem to be semi-formulating an answer in my brain - whether it stays there long enough for me to pen it down is a different matter. It's not a new issue - it's been a germinating issue for a while, same as the speaking in tongues thing. And I don't think it will necessarily be settled any time soon (same as prior issue) and I don't think there will necessarily be one definitive all-acceptable answer, even to myself (same as above). I believe that God sends all these irritating thoughts and conflicting opinions my way, because in some way, I'm supposed to be a thinking person (seeing I can't stand my own shallowness) but without a suitable prod I'm too lazy to think. And at any rate, I suppose these issues are worth thinking about in order to see Him in a clearer, more unbiased light. (Unbiased in terms of culture and traditions) Who can understand God? Well, tell me if you find him.

So while I have to scuttle off to Easter practice, (and try singing with my terrible throat -ooh! we're singing come thou fount today me likes) I'll leave you with some thoughts.

Role of music in worship - important? What is the goal of having more instruments, better musicians, better singers? How does this add to the atmosphere of "worship"? Would you be able to worship without music? Without song? Are songs in worship merely form / culture or instituted by God? Would not being able to serve God with your gift / talent of music / song detract in any way your service to Him? Does ignoring musical talents amount to ignoring a blessing of God?

Okay, have to run.  

I don't know whether to be happy, or sad; to be excited or worried.

I dreamt last night, and I'll call it a nightmare, that we got into the UM Case Study Challenge finals. This morning, in the middle of Advanced Corporate Reporting lecture, I got an sms saying that we were shortlisted for the finals. It started such a terrible burst of coughing that everyone turned to stare. Well, not everyone, but quite a few people.

SO.

I have to prepare a power point slide, and start memorising points for the presentation, skip a few tutorials / lectures to attend practice on Thursday, and skip more tutorials and lectures on Friday for the competition. Other finalists are another TARC group, UiTM and INTI.

Argh.

And I'm still coughing. 

The problem now is being able to get a suitable practice time that all 4 of us can agree to. If I can't get off Thursday practice, I think I'll have to give up tomorrow's dinner with Phui Yee. Oh wells.

*steals pics from Jo's*

Cute cute cute cute. LOL! Poser giler, these guys. 

Hahahahaha 

I would be satisfied if he memorised the whole thing and vomitted it out. But no, he must try to explain it, going round in circles, taking up extra time, and missing the whole point so that even I can't recognise it as our point. We have explained the concept quite a few times. I don't think he gets it.

Keeping the prize in mind.

Wondering why on earth I agreed to join. Oh well. Hope to be richer by tomorrow. Haha. 

There are things in the past to be remembered, there are things in the past to forget. There are also things in the past to remember, but let go of.

Remember that at the core of it, it is not what you have achieved for God, but it is who you have become because of Him.

Will be writing a report.

Will be uploading pictures.

Right now, going to meet up with Evelyn, my practical training senior in KPMG for dinner at MidValley. And to pick up a new book.

'Nuff said. 

Silence for Shawn.

The next post, when I have sufficient words, will be an eulogy for our beloved laugh-o-holic.

For now, we dwell on his favourite phrases:

"So, conclusion?"

"Life is beautiful." 

We were supposed to watch a movie soon.
I just messaged you about it this morning.
Before I got your sister’s IM on MSN.
Shucks, I still have her message in my chat log

[12:04:06 PM] Shawn-eD [LosT]: hey

[12:04:09 PM] Shawn-eD [LosT]: im swee kee's sis

[12:04:22 PM] anna: oh, hi!

[12:04:29 PM] Shawn-eD [LosT]: juz to inform u dat swee kee has already passsed away tis morning..

[12:04:38 PM] Shawn-eD [LosT]: kindly inform the rest

[12:04:41 PM] Shawn-eD [LosT]: thank you

Ashes to ashes, dust to dust
Life's brief candle, go out it must

It wasn't you sitting in that wooden box
I couldn't see your smile that rocks

Without your laugh, your flesh is false
No, oh no, you're somewhere else

You prayed for angels to watch over us
Did you know? I think you must

I guess I'm glad you found your rest
Though it's hard to say that God knows best

Shawn Yap Swee Kee

15 September 1987 - 25 March 2006

Dearly beloved, Sorely Missed

Continue laughing in heaven. Though we mourn now, we celebrate your life now marked by death. For death is but a comma in His eternal plan and we'll see you again in His time. Where, O death, is thy victory? Where, O death, is thy sting?

Life is beautiful. Life is beautiful. The conclusion is, life is beautiful. 

It has always been someone else's mother father brother sister uncle aunty relative friend. It has never been my friend until now. I had been worried that I could not grieve. I was worried that I'd somehow grown cold because I couldn't share the grief of those someone elses.

I've shed more tears in the past two days than I have done for the past few years, I think.

I can't begin to imagine how hard it is for his mother. If I, a mere friend, can feel it so much, how much more does she feel? He was her only son. Her eldest son. He was only eighteen.

Somehow, realisation sinks in slowly for me. Maybe its part of the emotional walls I've learnt to put up. They said they couldn't sleep on Saturday night, for thinking of him and crying. I was off like a light. But yesterday in church, I couldn't sing for crying. And after the finality of watching his body laid to rest in the ground, I could barely sleep last night. Just thinking. I don't know if I actually managed to sleep, it was all fitful jerks and starts. Maybe I did, but it didn't feel like it.

It was a good thing I didn't manage to go out for lunch with my coursemates - that they'd been delayed with their SHU applications. It was a good thing that I decided to switch on my computer while waiting, and not gone to nap like I had intended. If I hadn't, I wouldn't have gotten that message, and we might not have even known he was gone, until his housemates wondered why he didn't come back for classes. 

I look like crap, and I have class in 5 minutes. I would like not to go, but life goes on - for me, at least. Life must go on.

When you read this, leave a note. Give a buzz. Let me know you're still there. Because life is short, and I don't know when I'll next see you again.

I don't know if his sister will ever come online on his msn again. Maybe if she does, I can say, "Hey, I'm Swee Kee's friend. How are you doing?" just to see if she's alright. 

Class started 5 minutes ago. I'd better leave. 

From Shawn's blog: 

November 10, 2005

Homesick.

Sigh, I'm seriously homesick for now. Tired, exhausted, and this feeling of being down. Lord, when would be my turn? To meet You back up there?

this song truly potrays my current's feelings...

Homesick by MercyMe.

You're in a better place,

I've heard a thousand time,

And at least a thousand time,

I rejoice for You.

But the reason why I'm broken,

The reason why I cry,

Is how long must I wait to be with You?

I close my eyes and I see Your face,

If home's where my heart is,

then I'm out of place,

Lord, won't You give me strength,

to make it thru somehow,

I've never been more homesick than now.

Help me Lord coz I don't understand Your ways,

the Reason why I wonder if I ever know,

But even if You show me the hurt would be the same,

coz I'm still here so far away from home.

---

You got your wish. Maybe you couldn't see the road ahead because there was none.

I'm trying not to dwell in the past. Yet I want to remember now because I know I will forget. I will forget Shawn, like I forgot my primary schoolmates. I will forget his face, like I forgot the poeple I met at all those various camps. One day, I will forget his name, like I have forgotten the many miscellaneous people who have walked in and out of my life. So I would like to remember now before I forget.

Joshua asked, how did Shawn go? I realised I have told many people, but I haven't told you - the readers of this blog.

Shawn had not been feeling well the past week. He had complained to his housemate, Regina, about having palpitations. We believe he went to the doctor about it. He went home to Ampang on Tuesday night, after CF. On Thursday, he messaged his housemate, Dih Haw, to say he was okay. He'd just had some food poisoning. On Friday night, he was feeling unwell again, so his uncle took him to the hospital. He was kept under observation, and sometime in the early morning, he passed away. They said it was a heart infection (viral infection to the heart?). They said it was very quick. I did not know all this until Saturday itself, partly from Dih Haw and Regina, partly from his uncle.

Jasmine says that for the past week, he had been praying for angels to guard us. During their worship practice, in CF, during CG, during prayer meet. I did not know, because I was not there. I was distracted in CF, firstly with Phui Yee calling, then with having to leave for drama practice. I did not get to mamak with him. I remember him walking around bursting balloons in people's ears and laughing.

His MSN nick lately had been "LOST". He said he had been feeling lost. Sometime in November, he IMed, asking about the future. I said that for now, his purpose would be to concentrate on Christmas night and he could think about the future later. In February, he asked about his purpose and wondered why he was on earth. I said to ask God, he said he wasn't getting an answer. I laughed it off, saying that since he was here (as in online) he could entertain me.

I would like to imagine that in some spiritual, subconscious level, he knew he was about to go. Regina said that he had asked her and Loren what they would say at his funeral. Maybe he did.

So for now, I will remember. 

And as life goes on, one day I will forget.

Jong Chern, I'm so sorry, but your misfortune makes me laugh.

I mean, who can reasonably expect to go to uni for four hours and come out to find two missing tyres? Okay, I shouldn't laugh. But it's still farneeeeee.

Teehee. 

Suppering with you is cool. Haha. Ohs. And I still owe you roti canai yea?

And Ray, come collect your teh ais soon. Hehe. Serious one.

This ain't a blog post. This is a message-leaving post.

Muahahahaha.

Is. Needs. Tos. Studys. 

Jo, I'm beginning to write like you. LOLs. 

Someone, anyone, please come BK with me soon. We'll go sugar-high together kays, and mayhaps, perhaps, we'll actually learn something!

If you could understand God, then He wouldn't be God.

Seeing that we can't even understand our fellow man.