transformers
POSTED AT 05:00 PM

natanna

Since everyone is talking about Transformers, here's my one-cent. I liked the movie. I just didn't like / didn't see the point of the guy, when begging for his A, saying to his teacher "Well, what would Jesus do?"

*rolls eyes* 

Dear you,
POSTED AT 10:11 PM in thoughts

natanna

(you know who you are) 

I wish I knew the right words to say, the right things to jolt you out of where you are. But I don't. I don't understand what you're going through, and I won't try to pretend I do.

Saying "it doesn't have to be this way" isn't going to make any impact because it is this way and I don't know how to get you out of it. I don't think anything I do or say is going to make a difference anyway. 

So why do I bother?

I think it's because I want you to know that the only ones you are hurting are the ones who genuinely care for you and who truly want to be your family in Christ and yourself. It's not going to make any difference to her, because she has already shut you out of her life. Will getting her to say anything to you, even to justify her actions, really make a difference to you now? You think she sees you as a hypocrite. Aren't the things you're doing just reinforcing that fact?

You're tired of caring about what people think. So am I. But somehow you've let go whilst I can't. Just don't continue doing anything that you know you will really regret. It's never too early to stop.

I thought of these lyrics while thinking about you. They're from Goo Goo Dolls.

Scars are souvenirs you never lose
The past is never far
Did you lose yourself somewhere out there
Did you get to be a star
And don't it make you sad to know that life
Is more than who we are

You grew up way too fast
And now there's nothing to believe
And reruns all become our history
A tired song keeps playing on a tired radio
And I won't tell no one your name
And I won't tell em your name 

Stay nameless for a while. Stay faceless. Shunt aside everything that you've always felt you needed to do or needed to control. Reassess. Reflect. Find your core. It's your hiding time.

I wish I could help you. 

the final installment... (at last...)
POSTED AT 10:00 PM

natanna

41. subtitles. On TV shows. Movies. Everything. I need subtitles. My ears suck.

42. MILO. I don't know if it's particularly Malaysian (is it?) But it's... Milo. And apparently quite hard to find overseas.

43. the wealth of opportunities in the country. Sure, everything else is "more established" elsewhere, but wouldn't you like to look back and say "I helped build that"?

44. Nicol David. [not that I actually follow squash but...and she's from Penang too!!]

45. Malaysian pride. Hey, we may be proud of ourselves for all the wrong things at times... but it's a good thing to have, no?

46. Free TV. =)

47. Highways. Good highways. Whee for highways! Coming to appreciate it more now that I'm travelling more.

48. Westernisation. I don't know if that is the best word for it. Globalisation, maybe. And yes, I know lots of people will go "you must love your heritage! your culture..." yada yada yada... I'm not culturally Chinese. I am also not culturally Western (though I may tend tinge my writings and phraseology that way). I am just... culturally... Malaysian. Rojak, if I may say so.

49. my "banana" gang. =) I am not alone...

50. Moderates. We're really mostly moderates. And rational. Most of the time.

---

There. I'm done.

---

*takes another look* Yeessh. I write a lot of nonsense, don't I?

---

Oh, and vocal lessons it is for now! =)

haunted
POSTED AT 10:37 PM in thoughts

natanna

It's like the past always comes back to haunt you. Do you realise that? It does.

The sad thing is... it's not the good stuff that normally comes back. It's the bad stuff. The sloppy stuff. The stupid stuff. The should-haves.

Live carefully.

You never know when your nightmares will slap you in your face.

---

Oh, for a heart big enough.

---

Consolidate is a word to think about. Or amalgamate. Pulling together all the scattered pieces in your life and trying to make it one.

I have to admit: I'm scattered. I'm not just scattered - I'm scatter-brained.

And each makes the other worse. But how do you pull the disjointed pieces of your life - friends, work, colleagues, church, ministry, passion, hobbies, relaxation - and make them one? How do you know where everything fits? Where do the bits and pieces go? Where should the trimming take place? And in all this, what really needs to stay?

Or rather - what needs to go?

I wish I knew, but I also hope I don't.

There are too many things in my life that I want to maintain, but know I shouldn't.

---

To do only that which is necessary.

Are you necessary?

---

Is it really just attention that you're seeking?

Maybe I just shouldn't give you any.

Or do you really want help? 

Am I blowing this out of proportion? Seeing how much under wraps everyone has been keeping this anyway - or am I just too far away to matter anymore? 

Dear you,
POSTED AT 11:58 PM in thoughts

natanna

It's stuck in replay, I don't know why.

Get lost, you.

Have you had your fill of attention? Have you had your fill of people worrying about you? Have you had your fill of being the 'bad boy' for once? I thought this song was for him. I guess it's for you too.

I don't know why I bother. I'm too far removed. I don't know why I care. I don't know why I bleed. Far removed! Pah.

An exercise in letting go. Always, another exercise in letting go. Let God be God and keep your mouth shut. Why do your hands not unclench themselves and why do mine still cling? 

So what's it like on the other side? Is it wild and free like you thought it would be? Or are you still playing the stereotypes? 

Or am I the one pushing the stereotype? Do the things you do really matter in the end? One virtue does not make a man. Does one vice spoil him? But it's the heart that matters, and at the root of it, it's the only thing that makes or breaks the rest. So what is this rooted in?

Tiredness. The futility of it all. What does it matter when you don't care anyway?

But I still believe, that for all you say, you still care. And you still believe. You just need time to work it out. 

I asked him, "so what made you do it?" He said "peer pressure. I made a stupid choice." But you, it wasn't a stupid choice was it? It was a deliberate one, and that makes it all the worse. I'm trying to understand, I really am, because at the heart of it, there are things I want to do that I won't. Because I can't. I made a choice I am determined to keep and to keep well.

So, what happened?

And through it all, is this "outward thing" really the issue?

ish.
POSTED AT 11:58 PM

natanna

At a loss for words. I wonder why.

I was brimming with them earlier on.

Bah.

There's another day gone by.

I started on Act Two of the musical and have some conversations playing in my head, but they're not ready to come out yet. Will just have to stew a little longer. 

stunned
POSTED AT 11:18 PM

natanna

Too many things.

I'm trying to digest, I am.

But it's still at the "whaa.....?" stage mostly.

Suddenly, a new one.

Shalls shaddup.

*huggles*

---

oh yes. AF's coming this FRIDAY!!!

---

I went out with 2 Sibu guys, Bernard Tiong and Joshua Ling, and realised how undersized I really am. Gah. I wish I could grow taller.  

stupidity
POSTED AT 11:40 PM

natanna

I have been calling the same number for TWO WHOLE DAYS, and sent at least TWO TEXT MESSAGES in an effort to reach Yuen Thern.

AND THEN when I try the final time, I reach some malay dude and dudette.

SO I call OLIVER, who gave me the number in the first place, and find out that I have been calling the WRONG NUMBER. (He sent me the wrong number and I still have the SMS to prove it. NYEEEHHHHH)

THEN he says, "but anyway, I'm with Yuen Thern now. Do you want to talk to him?" (Gah, so WHY didn't you, since you knew I was trying to contact him, tell him to CALL ME when you first met up with him?!?!)

It still beats me as to why that dumb malay couple didn't just answer my first sms / call and tell me the person I'm looking for doesn't exist at that number. Then I wouldn't have wasted so much time and effort. Bleh.

Yo, you b'day peeps...
POSTED AT 11:38 PM

natanna

LEX...

Happy Birthday! I was tempted to write how old you are... (or how young) but maybe I should keep your secret. Tee hee. (Is it one?) =)

ROWEN...

DO you even drop by here anymore? Haha. Happy birthday. Growing older, growing wiser? Call me if you need a slap in the face. But you know I'm too nice for that, right? ;p

---

So, what kind of person do you want to be?

---

I've been playing KOL. Again. Stupid game. But interesting. hahaha. They added new stuff...  

"This is a small, juicy black berry. Businessmen sometimes use these to communicate with each other between pointless meetings, but normal people just eat them."

"He does an extra-long, slow, and boring cover of "Stairway to Heaven." You get bored, wander off, and stub your toe on a rock."

"Half-Eaten Brain : Half of your brain has been eaten. You're either way worse at math or way worse at poetry, depending on which half it was."

---

of an action-filled weekend
POSTED AT 04:04 PM

natanna

Okay, to try to put things in sequential order:

The Pioneers conference

Well, the Altered Frequency guys pretty much rocked the place with their loud brand of music. The vocals were kind of overpowered by the guitars (or maybe that's just me) so Andy had to strain just a little too much.

Well, we had a big supper after the night, with approx. 20 people trying to squeeze into around 4 tables (the numbers are sketchy, sorry). But yeah, they're coming back. Definitely.

Oh, and we found a few souvenirs from the band while setting up on Saturday night: a box of Mentos chews, a few copies of their song set and drumstick splinters. At least it wasn't a broken drum screen like the last time! Heh

Anna, the strong-and-mighty

So the conference thingy continued on to Saturday morning, and during the short tea-break between sessions, Anna decided to show the world how strong and mighty she is.  

See, the silly little glass jar thing that they put the Milo in just wouldn't close. So I pushed with just a little bit of brute force (don't ask me how)... and the thing. just. broke. Whoops.

Reflections on love

So what does it really mean to love? To commit? To feel? To dream? To know? We sing so many words and say so many things, but what does it all really mean?

Am I able to love you where you're at, even though I don't like where you are now? Am I able to accept who you've become even though I don't like what you are now? Am I able to not let the present circumstance cloud my perception of who you are, and who you can be? Am I able to remove myself from the prejudices that colour what I see?

Does one virtue make a man, or does one vice destroy him?

Will letting you know that you will always be accepted make you feel any better?

And above it all, why do I even bother?

Because you were always a friend when we needed you. And we will not let you go because He will not let us let you go.

Deb

And she's back. =)

We even had to hang around Tesco after service yesterday to wait for her extremely late plane (arrived at 0001) and to wait for her to slowwwly slowwwwly walk out.  

Listening to: corinne bailey rae

breaking news
POSTED AT 10:57 PM

natanna

Deb just started a blog.

Haha.

Read it here. 

Oh, an update!
POSTED AT 11:41 PM

natanna

It's been a while, hasn't it? =)

Last week was a pretty busy week. Well, not so busy at work (I managed to leave by 5.30pm most days) but busy... elsewhere!

Let's see... we celebrated Cheryl Yu's birthday at Flame on Monday. Then on Tuesday, I don't remember what I did. But I think I went out. Err... Did I? Or erm... Oh NO. Cheryl's birthday thing was on Tuesday, and on Monday I watched Criminal Minds. (I think that's it. Haha. Really, really don't remember.) On Wednesday Yuin, Kean Foong, Alex and I went to watch TRANSFORMERS! Woohoo. And Thursday was worship practice. Friday... OH, I took Deb shopping and I bought shoes! (Finally...)

Saturday as usual - Morning prayer, then took Deb shopping (again), took a nap in the afternoon since my vocal lesson was cancelled... Then Sat Night service and it is ENTIRELY Deb's fault that I was late! (Her and that stupid traffic light at Gottlieb Road that wasn't working) Haha. And then Sunday! Worship lead - service - kids. 

After service, we went down to the street market on Upper Penang Road. Voce was singing. They're pretty good. Hehe. First time I heard them la. Also, it was a street thing, so sound's not that good and everything, so... yeah. Not bad. Then dinner, and then practice for the Merdeka High Praise... then supper... and here I am now.

Woah. I feel tired just writing all of that down.

I was looking forward to another "free" week at work, but there was some last minute allocation swap so I'll be going out. I hear it's in Kulim. (I hope not.) See how laaaaa...

Anyway, I guess it's time for bed.  

And AUGUST is coming. Wednesday marks my first anniversary. Haha. And I am DEFINITELY going to KL this time. On I think it's the 20th (Monday). I ALREADY HAVE MY LEAVE.

See you there!