Beginnings
POSTED AT 11:59 PM

natanna

Today is where your book begins; the rest is still unwritten

Natasha Bedingfield

Yeah. So, hello 2009 and all the exciting, weird, crazy, painful, exhilirating things that are going to come.

In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth.

Genesis 1:1

Where am I going with this? I don't know. It's late, I've had a long day. And yet it was a good one. I think a good start like this may help in making a good finish. I hope it does. =)

But well, decisions have been made (finally) and while I am still sorting my way to feeling totally comfortable with it, I'm going to stick with it cos I think it's the right one.

 

Questions:
POSTED AT 12:28 AM

natanna

and I wonder why my greatest successes bring me as much embarrassment as my greatest failures. Am I afraid of success? Or am I just afraid of anything at all that will make me different from everyone else?

 

oops...
POSTED AT 09:09 PM

natanna

So David and I were having supper last night with Wilson, Garren, Yuen Thern, Daniel Chan and the other Daniel, when someone (either Thern or Daniel, I forget) commented that David and I were both wearing red, was it planned? I said flippantly that he had copied me... when the other Daniel goes, "I thought you were brother and sister..."

Yeah, I thought so too.

 

good bye, you
POSTED AT 12:18 PM

natanna

And so I wanted to give you a proper good bye, but all I could think of was now I'm going to have to find another emergency-dinner-cum-supper partner.

And I thought I would buy you a gift, but I guess I never got round to it, with the crazy week at work. Besides, nothing seemed right and I figured your bag would be overweight anyway, as it was.

Then I tried to write something, and again, all I could think of was what am I going to do when I'm home alone and I desperately need someone to eat with?

So I scribbled thank you for being a friend in need on that little piece of paper. But it was short, because I didn't know what else to say. And so thank you for drawing me in when I would have hidden and making me do things against my better judgement, which probably wasn't better anyway. And thank you for listening to my gripes and complaints and asking the right questions, like so what can / should be done about it? so that I don't end up in an endless angst about something not in my power, but to work at things that I can put right.

And so I offered you silence for your goodbye because that was all that I could and knew how to give.

And I don't know if you'll read this; maybe you will, I might tag it on facebook. Or I might not. But writing is catharsis, and where I could /would / do not cry at goodbye, you'll have to accept this as a wail. Maybe I'm tired of people leaving and never returning and it doesn't really make a difference anymore, because there is e-mail and online chats, and at any rate, I talk better with my fingers than with my lips.

And there it is, one less thing to tie me to this island.

---

So you packed your bags and said your goodbyes
Then you walked away with tears in your eyes
And you left us standing around at a loss
Still we'll laugh and we'll sing, we know, because

You'll be back again another day
And it won't be long 'til we hear you say
Hey, I'm back; we missed you; you'll scoff
And we'll pick it back up where we left off

i want but...
POSTED AT 11:27 PM

natanna

I took my brother out to dinner, and he wanted to have KFC. After dinner, he turns to me and says, "I think I don't really like KFC." Yeesh.

Then again, I wanted in on acting. I was really excited about the play. Right now I'm thinking that this might be my first and last 'outside' venture, so to speak.

There really is no point in it. And I really do not believe in my so-called talent. I think it's time to explore other avenues.

And I'm really too busy anyway.

bleh, this shouldn't even be a post
POSTED AT 12:28 AM

natanna

The thing is, a woman can keep on hoping indefinitely in the absence of clarity.

But I'm not stupid. I'm not clinging on to mists and chimeras.

Maybe I'm giving up too soon, or maybe I've just been deluding myself. Maybe, maybe, maybe. And maybe if Sharz hadn't said a thing, I wouldn't have started over-thinking. Not this time. Oblivion is the best state of mind.

 

Women want to be pursued and men are charged by God to be the pursuers. Proverbs says, "he who finds a wife, " Finds. That's no passive verb. It's active. It instructs the man who wants God's blessing to get out there and look. And to the men we say, get going. It's time you accept the challenge to pursue marriage.

Defending the Cost of Delaying Marriage, Candice Z. Watters

Sometimes I wish I weren't at this stage of life.

Inhale, cherish. Exhale, release.

Repeat.

short:
POSTED AT 10:47 PM

natanna

So I was waiting for the world to fall, and fall it did. On me. But it was a prettily painted world. =) A nice blue and green and brown globe... of styrofoam.

err, is it called styrofoam? Or whatever.

 

Concurrents...
POSTED AT 10:43 PM

natanna

So it was another night of at least two random conversations running concurrently at the same table, an excess of food still stored in the fridge and the beginning of a new cult.

Mark's naming it the Luciferian Church of the Sanctified, where David will collect 2.25 a month (not sure if that's in RM, USD or ???). Daniel said the name should actually be Church of Neutrality, to which David said it wouldn't actually be a religion any more, would it? Unc Geoff then put in that a better name would be the British-Indian-German Church of Neutrality. (Go figure).

And then they went home, and there was peace.

---

I'm midway through Brisngr!

---

I don't know why I have the RSR file on hand! I don't think I will look at it and yet... it's so irritating that it's not done. I wish it were. I should be a bit more hardworking. Bleh.

---

Well at any rate... DEB will be back TOMORROW!

and have a blessed new year. For what that's worth.

she.
POSTED AT 10:28 PM

natanna

A clink, the setting down of a tea cup onto its saucer. Pensive.

"I thought you said you'd leave it to me?"

Eyes downwards, the corners of her lips spreading up. Bitter. Sweet.

"I did."

"And?"

"And I have. The best that I know how."

Silence. She looked up at him as his face softened.

"Aye, that you have."

---

I realise that I've been starting a lot of my posts with the phrase "and so..." or plain "so..." I think it's time to change my writing style again.

of stress
POSTED AT 12:16 AM

natanna

To know when I am stressed, there are three major phrases to listen for:

1) I hate you!!!! (repeated in a suitably whiney tone)

2) I kill you... I kiiiiiieeewwww yeeeuuuuuuuuuu (in a rising tone)

3) Argh. (followed by dead silence).

I think... I am... somewhere I don't know where.

It's been a crazy week, starting with GCF exco meet on Sat morning, followed by Acts of Kindness at the Rifle Range flats and then church. Sunday I was dragged to BM service in the morning, then lunch at my grandma's followed by a noisy reunion dinner (as blogged earlier).

Monday (CNY first day), we dropped by at my paternal grandparents' place and then picked Deb up from the airport before going to my maternal grandparent's place for lunch. Short rest at home, then hop over to my uncle's place. Sigh. so much travelling.

Tuesday, people were in and out of the house because my dad had 'open house' for his missionary friends who wanted a taste of CNY. So that was busyish. But I fell asleep in the afternoon, in between people. Quiet family dinner, followed by the beginning of Singing in the Rain when THE ELECTRICITY BLACKED OUT. At 10. Sigh... My mum and sis decided to sleep, my dad and bro decided to go out... so I decided to be nice and go *finally* to meet the GCF people.

Conclusion: I should have stayed at home and slept. B E D is not a good place. So NOT a good place. It's dark, smokey, excessively noisy with irritating music. Okay, I don't want to be critical, but it's hardly a good place for GCF people to meet up. Maybe I'm being prudish, right, but I just don't like the idea of meeting in places like that and playing cards. Sigh. Sigh! I mean, there are more fruitful things to be doing with your time. If you meet up for supper / drinks in a nice place, where you can talk and fellowship - that's much better, right? Besides, I hate cards.

Anyway, the rest of this week is full. I'm stretched! And work is crazy! I know I should have taken leave, but I thought no one would be around, and then I'd be wasting my time at home when I have mountains of backlog at work. And then it turns out that so many people are around. Next time, inform me earlier! Make appointments earlier!

AND MY SHOW IS LIKE TWO WEEKS AWAY.

I did not anticipate this messiness. Now I'm just waiting for everything to be over.

Love me, I'm stressed.

I KIEEWWWW YEEUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU

Feeling: argh.

Why, Jo, Why?
POSTED AT 11:28 PM

natanna

Rules: Once you’ve been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you. At the end, choose 25 people to be tagged. Remember to tag me back!

1. My brother says I'm very obvious.

2. I'm often still hungry after eating.

3. I maxed out at 5 cups of sugar (carbonated drinks) on study afternoons at Burger King. Yay, refillable drinks!

4. I LOVE TOMYAM!

5. I sometimes have deja vu dreams. Like, I dream the same things over and over again.

6. One of them was about my brakes failing at the red light.

7. I have a love-hate relationship with my job.

8. I think I'm at the hate cycle.

9. The love cycle is probably in Dec / April - bonus times.

10. I make good on my promises.

11. Even though it's going to start one month late. Sorry.

12. I'm monolingual. Really.

13. I think that Robin Hobb is an awesome writer.

14. I want to get married. Some day.

15. If I start writing now, I'll probably be ready for ABNA next year.

16. Though I'll probably give up halfway.

17. I'm basically very lazy.

18. I have random thoughts in the toilet.

19. Or sometimes in the car.

20. I don't think I'm obvious. It's more like I'm oblivious.

21. I'm an introvert faking it as an extrovert.

22. I think I've blogged up to 3 times in the same day. You can check the archives.

23. I process thoughts through writing.

24. Stupid windows live messenger still won't work on my comp. I've been using e-buddy.

25. I'm glad I've reached the end of this. I don't think I'm as random as I thought I was.

Have fun, peeps.