oh dear
POSTED AT 12:24 AM

natanna

 

 

i have been reading bitter blogs of which you may know or you may not know, but you don't really need to know, and the best response i can think of is my standard *huggles*

because i am speechless at the hurts that the church has caused her children.

where is the spotless bride?

i find the blood of the innocents on her hands.

yet sometimes, in honesty and truth, it surfaces to mind: that could have been me.

that could have been me, if i hadn't a sensible mother who said to me, to set your north star and follow it through. because emotions will always get the better of me, if i continue to believe in them.

that could have been me, if i hadn't made the conscious choice to force myself to places where i know i would hear. or at least hope to.

that would have been me, if i hadn't been stubborn enough to keep clinging on until respite came.

or am i one of the 'priviledged' ones that God listens to when i cry out? why does he not answer you?

and maybe one of the things i do not understand is the fact that they were restricted because of their faith. i do not understand the fundamentalism that does not allow them to be the awesome creative people that God made them to be because of their faith. i do not understand a faith that tells them they cannot.

and here i am, asking God for faith enough to stand up to be all the awesomeness that He has made me to be, to claim all the enormity of the blessings and richness that i know i have. because i have a faith that tells me i can.

question: am i still a christian because i have been too lazy to think? i do not take all things on faith and i have done my fair bit of yelling at God because i do not understand. and yet they imply that the church condemns them because they think.

and maybe most of all, i do not understand that pushiness that drives away, that meanness that tells them they cannot be friends because they do not share the same faith. what happened to grace? what about love? because love encompasses all, and i can still be your friend and love you even if i do not agree with your decisions, even as you do not agree with mine. what is wrong with the church?

is it a problem with the way they understand God, or the way their communities understands God, or is it that i have a God that's different than theirs though we call Him the same name?

the world will know that we are christians by our love.

and yet, the church is the only institution that shoots its wounded.

but i hurt for you, because i am your friend, do you see? i wish i knew better words to tell you that i still care for you, even if i have only met you once. i would post on your blog, but that would be pushy, and i wouldn't know what to say because words fail me. but i am devastated, because i see your spiral and wish you weren't in it, but i have no remedy. i wouldn't shake the sand off my feet on you. but i would lift up a prayer that says even as Your love would not let me go, do not let her go.

and that is the best i can do. for now.

---

and the pitter patter
of the streams of life
come down, come down
in bitterness and strife

wash away the crimson stains
till no more trace remains
of the condemnation your bride
has placed on your children

in power like the water that falls
gently with peace
and yet roars with power
show them grace.

forgive us all.

Feeling: grieved

*away*
POSTED AT 11:19 PM

natanna

Just in case
I don't have time to post
Anymore
Or forget to:

I am travelling!

The dates:
8 June - KL stopover
10 June - Flies. Heathrow.
19 June - Touchdown. KL.

Anticipate. Okay?

Photo credits: Teoh Puey Guan, stolen as usual without permission.
Click for more.

(at least you get free publicity)

Feeling: excited

poof
POSTED AT 12:40 PM

natanna

but i am as changeable as the wind

and my decisions now have changed, and yet, they are based on the same conviction

where i would flee, i have stayed

and maybe it's a settlement in the heart

to do and get done

convictions of where i am meant to be, who i am meant to be

though it means i might not be able to chase things i thought i wanted

like when i was waiting on peejay

or when i was thinking of aus

but i am here

she...
POSTED AT 04:14 PM

natanna

... is back in Penang

... is waiting for the comp to come back from the workshop

... has lots of photos to look through

... hasn't unpacked yet

... doesn't feel like doing anything

... has lotsa lotsa lotsa lotsa books

... doesn't want to go to work

... is wondering what her laptop password is again...

... wants more holidays

... is thinking jakarta in september

... is a wee bit suntanned

... doesn't want to reply emails. haha.

... really needs to clean her room (laugh, yong may, laugh)

... is grateful for mr woo's awesome map reading skills

... misses the cold winds

... is suddenly thinking of danielle and jochebelle. sweet!

... is running out of things to say

... is listening to her mom tell people that she's single

... is wishing daddy happy father's day!

bated breath?
POSTED AT 10:32 PM

natanna

So day one's pictures are up. In FB. Well, technically day one and two, if you consider the travelling day part of it.

Picture of the day? Maybe this. =)

Or this. Hehe.

On music, I had been listening to a really cringe-worthy CD I had no idea why I bought (maybe because it was cheap and second-hand) so I decided it wouldn't kill my ears any bit more to take another listen to the dust-gathering Sand album, DREAMS.

And you know what?

I think I actually like it now.

Haha.

A bit.

Reading: Belarus - Lee Hogan

confuzzlement
POSTED AT 06:22 PM

natanna

• i never learn do i?
• i need need need need need need NEED to start writing. Very badly
• it's embarrassing
  
• but it isn't necessarily a bad thing
• pride or humility?
• addiction
• umbrellas and light stands
• summer fling
• so why would you tell me that?
• chop chop or no chop chop
• discipline and tenacity
• crushing
• uncertainty
• is it who i am or what i do?
• ice
• yet if it is a gift that needs to be used, why should i hold back from fear of pride?

sadly, i don't like the first album any better.

POSTED AT 11:41 PM

natanna

 

Unfolding
Pink rose buds
Charmed
By your naivete

I forget
What it was I wished
To say
As the pages clicked by

So maybe I
Need more distraction as the days pass
Because I start
Writing unrhymed, unrhythmed, crazy poetry like this

---

Do you see the symmetry?

---

Maybe sometimes it's better to let go than to wish.

Reading: The General's Daughter
Listening to: air1.com